She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Randomize
