I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
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