Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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