I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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