he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
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