not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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