i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
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