I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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