plz talk dirty to me
...so i touched it.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Randomize
