He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
