I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
dude i'm inner monologue high
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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