u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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