I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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