Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
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