Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
