I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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