i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Randomize
