don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
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