at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
