K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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