I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
