i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
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