I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
