My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
