I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
