I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Randomize
