All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
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