I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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