I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
