bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I intend to get homeless drunk
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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