he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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