Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
