im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
When did angry sex become our thing?
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
