the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
