Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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