Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
