Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
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I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
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Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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