Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
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