As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
