It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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