i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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