Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
