I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
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