god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Randomize
