I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
