I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
