You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
don't judge my taste in strippers
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
