I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Randomize
