I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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