Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
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