why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
