I looked at my own cervix.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Randomize
