Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
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CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
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I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.