Texts From Last Night

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  (845): View more from New York

  This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.

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  (845): This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin. http://tfl.nu/f5uz
  Replies (45) Good night (940) Bad night (8212)
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  (212): View more from New York

  your tears are not going to buy me drinks...

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  (212): your tears are not going to buy me drinks... http://tfl.nu/o6xp
  Replies (14) Good night (1204) Bad night (3839)
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  (561): View more from Florida

  And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."

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  (561): And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips." http://tfl.nu/kfac
  Replies (6) Good night (2599) Bad night (1332)
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  (406): View more from Montana

  i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.

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  (406): i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes. http://tfl.nu/lrt6
  Replies (5) Good night (3846) Bad night (856)
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  (310): View more from California

  She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me

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  (310): She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me http://tfl.nu/yht9
  Replies (7) Good night (3532) Bad night (973)
• Favorite

  (615): View more from Tennessee

  No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night

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  (615): No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night http://tfl.nu/p85n
  Replies (1) Good night (796) Bad night (780)
• Favorite

  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.

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  (814): Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark. http://tfl.nu/ixe0
  Replies (2) Good night (1573) Bad night (602)
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  (307): View more from Wyoming

  who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some

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  (307): who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some http://tfl.nu/7roh
  Replies (9) Good night (1075) Bad night (440)
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  (+61): View more from Australia

  I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.

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  (+61): I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins. http://tfl.nu/5c3n
  Replies (5) Good night (1873) Bad night (472)
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  (706): View more from Georgia

  i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.

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  (706): i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house. http://tfl.nu/5m3i
  Replies (1) Good night (845) Bad night (838)
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  (352): View more from Florida

  I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.

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  (352): I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father. http://tfl.nu/ymcy
  Replies (2) Good night (730) Bad night (1007)
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.

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  (402): i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding. http://tfl.nu/exiv
  Replies (2) Good night (627) Bad night (373)
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  You're the common denominator of my blackouts.

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  (202): You're the common denominator of my blackouts. http://tfl.nu/n8nz
  Replies (4) Good night (740) Bad night (330)
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  (406): View more from Montana

  And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....

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  (406): And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night.... http://tfl.nu/0vfo
  Replies (0) Good night (508) Bad night (322)
• Favorite

  (630): View more from Illinois

  If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.

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  (630): If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend. http://tfl.nu/5hx0
  Replies (0) Good night (295) Bad night (161)

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