i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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