Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
21 Porn Stars Confess What Sex Is Really Like On Set
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
19 People That Found Pubes In All The Wrong Places
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.