seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Randomize
