I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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