I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
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