My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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