Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
