You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
