I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Randomize
