kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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