I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Randomize
