ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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